He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
