My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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