i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize