I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
