Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
