Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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