There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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