I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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