My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
