I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
