I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
