she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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