Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
