Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
