so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
