you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
