i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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