I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I think we might need a safe word for this...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
