there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize