ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
