No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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