Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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