R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
