even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
