i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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