Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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