You're my little dorito
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
