Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
