I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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