Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
