Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
