Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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