Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
