I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize