Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
