Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
