i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
