The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
