How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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