I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
