plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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