I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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