yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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