Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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