Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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