You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
