Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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