four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
