Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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