I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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