Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
