using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize