i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
