Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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