You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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