oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
