so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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