Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
