My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
