It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
