Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
